Letters to Miz Cotton

 
 
 
 

Contact Miz Cotton and let Cotton help answer those tough questions in life

(Should I splurge on the $5.00 bottle of White Zinfindale?

Is there really a difference between generic Macaroni and Cheese and the name brand?)

 
If you are in need of answers to critical questions like these ... click on my email link at the bottom of the page (or the BIG "Ask Cotton" banner right here) and submit your question. Miz Cotton is a busy woman, but I'll try to answer as many as I can!
 
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Dear Miz Cotton -

I just don't know what to do!

If I have to spend another holiday with my sister-in-law Darcy I am going to scream. My husband (who I love dearly) insists on inviting her to our house every holiday because he doesn't want her to be alone.

I can understand why she's alone! She has no manners, she will not keep herself presentable and she insists on telling off-color jokes at the dinner table. I was not raised to be that kind of girl.

What should I do?

Manners in Morningside


Oh Manners -

I know how you feel and I sympathize. I once had to spend an entire holiday vacation with my old beau Graham's family in a low-rent beach-front condo while they ate hot wings and cream cheese poppers all week and decided to start a beltching contest! I was appalled that Graham would put me in such an uncomfortable situation! Can you imagine?

All I can say Manners is ... if you love him ... sometimes jokes trump manners! What we do for love! Talk to your husband and let him know that Darcy needs to bring it up a notch. Suggest he tell her you are planning something special this holiday and you are requesting everyone dress up. Maybe even have the hubby splurge for a cute frock for Darcy. Agree on a "code phrase" that you can say to alert your husband Darcy is getting out of control (like Oh, I lOVE peas!) and it can be his cue to interrupt whatever she's doing and break that NO-manner's chain!

It's your house and your holiday dinner ... OWN it honey!

XOXO

 
 
Dear Miz Cotton -

I really need your advice! My partner and I were invited to two events on the same evening. One is being given by a friend of ours and the other is being hosted by my partner's work. Everyone who is anyone is going to be at our friend's party ... but my partner says we have to go to the work function and spend the entire evening there or his boss will be upset.

I want to have fun and be seen ... but I love my little teddy bear! What should I do?

RSVP-hell in Rochester



Oh RSVP -

I know how you feel and I sympathize. I was faced with a similar situation recently ... and here's what I did. My former beau Kristoff and I were planning a wonderful evening of dinner at my favorite restaurant and drinks at the home of an A-list celebrity who was throwing a bash to celebrate the success of his new movie.

I had my outfit all picked out when Kristoff's nasty sister called to invite us to a wienie roast at the very same time! Kristoff accepted her invitation (which is why he is my ex-beau!). Quick thinking Cotton had a great idea ... drop by the wienie roast with a basket of goodies and apologize for not being able to stay. Kristoff's sister was so distracted with the sweet treats I brought ... the poor thing never realized we were blowing off her wienie roast!

All I can say RSVP is ... if you love him ... sometimes wienies trump martinis! Bring a fabulous gift to your partner's work event ... gratiously present it to the host. Have a drink with whitty conversation and snappy banter ... and after you've won the host over ... wisk away to the real party! Being a little late to the event just means a better photo op for your arrival!

XOXO

 
 
Dear Miz Cotton -

Help! I have a situation and I just don't know what to do! My youngest, Ethan, just turned eight last month. Well, this morning as I was gettin' ready to run to Super Wall-Martz to pick up a few things, I had to run back into my bedroom to grab my purse. Well, when I opened the door ... there was Ethan and a bunch of his little stuffed animal toys all sittin' on my bed. Ethan was dressed head-to-toe in my clothes from my closet and was made up better than I am for Sunday services! He was watchin' some TV show and was talkin' about how the ladies were dressed! Miz Cotton, he told me he loves dressing in my dainties and wants a pair of his own! What am I gonna do??

Skirted Son in Sommersville


Oh Sommersville -

I know how you feel and I sympathize. My former beau Junior had a son Junior Jr. that loved to steal my undergarments from the laundry and wear them out to play. I went through so many pairs of panties while I was with Junior, oh my! Well, I had to pull Junior Jr. aside one day and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop wearing my panties or I was gonna tell his dad. Well, Junior Jr. looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Well, who do you think gave me the idea!?!?" Honey, I packed the rest of my attire and high-tailed it out of there toot-sweet!

All I can say Sommersville, sometimes love trumps cotton. What we do for love. Just love your little boy for who he is ... because someday when you're old and in disposable diapers ... little Ethan is going to be taking care of you and keep you stocked with AquaNet and Jean-Natte! And won't that be better than a son who spent his whole life hunting animals while dressed in flannel?

XOXO

 
Dear Miz Cotton -

I just don't know what to do

My sister-in-law is becoming such a snoop. I caught her in our bathroom going through the medicine cabinet. I was brought up better than that ... I would NEVER snoop!

What should I do?

High and Mighty in Hillsboro


Oh High and Mighty -

I know how you feel and I sympathize. I once had a sister-in-law to be that was a complete snoop. My old beau Ernest's sister wanted to spend the weekend with us ... and the first evening I caught her going through my hope chest. Those are my private valuables and she had no right peeking! Well, I took her aside and said that I saw what she did and if I ever caught her snooping again ... I wouldn't tell Ernest ... I would tell Gertrude ... THE MOTHER!.

All I can say High and Mighty is ... if you love him ... sometimes in-laws trump snoops! What we do for love! Try keeping your private medicines in your bedroom ... this way no one will find out your 'secrets'.

XOXO

 
Dear Miz Cotton -

I need some advice and am turning to the expert! My partner and I have been together for twenty years ... and I think he doesn't love me anymore. We both came out to our families early in life and have been together ever since and everything has been bliss ... until now. He wants to spend time alone and doesn't send me flowers anymore.

What should I do?

Clingy in California


Oh Clingy -

I know how you feel and I sympathize. I once had to have a talk with my old beau George because he wasn't gettin' Cotton the trinkets she so deserved. I asked and asked until one day old George walked out of the house ... with my prized collection of life-like "Famous Actresses of the 40's" made out of decopauged potato chips.

All I can say Clingy is ... if you love him ... sometimes independence trumps cling! What we do for love! Try setting some time aside for your sweetie to do something on his own ... while you whip up a nice dessert for when he returns! Just because he wants some "ME" time doesn't mean he wants away from "you"!

XOXO

 
Dear Miz Cotton -

Help! I am in such a tizzy over my situation!

My boyfriend is asking me to do something I just don't feel right about. He wants me to SKIP BINGO and go with him to a TRACTOR PULL this Friday night. I love him ... but can't bear the thought of sitting through eight hours of tractor pulls.

What should I do?

Confused in CornField


Oh Confused -

I know how you feel and I sympathize. I once had to spend an entire weekend with my old beau Jedidiah watching an old box trap that he made because he was convinced he would catch that raccoon that ate his gold coin. We were going to trap that raccoon until he pooped out the coin! Can you imagine?

All I can say Confused is ... if you love him ... sometimes tractors trump bingo! What we do for love! Try passing the time away by redecorating the tractors in your head while your man enjoys the show!

XOXO

 
Dear Miz Cotton -

I just don't know what to do

I planned a perfect cook-out for the holiday. I made my secret recipe of Louise's Famous Baked Beans and now my mother-in-law wants to bring Baked Beans to the picnic ... even though I asked her to make Ambrosia Salad.

What should I do?

Stressed Out in Summerville


Oh Stressed -

I know how you feel and I sympathize. I once had to eat an entire casserole of my world-famous gourmet potatoes because my old beau Frederick's mom wanted to bring her cheesy french fry potato bake loaf to our picnic.

All I can say Stressed is ... if you love him ... sometimes momma-in-law's beans trump our own! What we do for love! Try reducing the stress by planning which napkins and paper tablecloth your are going to buy for the picnic.

XOXO

 
Dear Miz Cotton -

I need your guidance!

My daughter Lerleane wants to wear a halter top to Sunday services. That is not appropriate, but she doesn't want to listen.

What should I do?

Prudish in Peoria


Oh Prudish -

I know how you feel and I sympathize. I once had to talk my old beau Norman's step-daughter about a very short skirt she once wore to my home. Once she realized it did nothing to hide her huge hamhock thighs, she quickly changed into some nice sweatpants.

All I can say Prudish is ... if you love her ... sometimes fashion sense trumps bad wardrobe choices! What we do for love! Try pointing out that a halter top is only best worn on large buxom girls and is reserved for proper attire to the state fair.

XOXO

 
 
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